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Doc's Blog

Welcome to Diana 'The Doc' Thomas' official Blog ... A radio interviewer once referred to Diana as being a 'Celebrity Drag Racing Authority & Visionary'... Diana has indeed filled the shoes (or fire boots) as truly being America's foremost 'Celebrity Drag Racing Authority & Visionary'... Diana is known for being somewhat controversial at times... She writes the truth... Diana tells it like it is about drag racing and other topical issues-- You've seen Diana 'The Doc' Thomas on our DVDs, with Bret Kepner on ESPN, and in all the major media... Don't miss your opportunity to read her daily blog right here at DRAG RACING UNDERGROUND... Diana's blog gives you a daily dose of truth and reality with heart... Diana's unique and refreshing perspective is unlike anything else on the drag racing web... We strongly recommend that you bookmark this page now... Be sure you check in daily to experience & enjoy Diana's unique insight, worldly wisdom and perspective...

Today is "FEEDBACK FRIDAY", meaning I deal with emails that my assistant Stephanie and I receive from readers regarding our most recent blogs... Let's get right to your feedback... Yesterday's blog featuring our salute to Black History Month, and the fact that drag racing remains the most diverse and "color blind" of all motorsports prompted Brian from Fenton, MO to write, "Thanks so much for mentioning Malcolm Durham in your interesting article. He was one of my favorite match racers from the 1960s."... Wednesday's TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER serial series resulted in lots of you writing in. Angel from all the way in Campo Grande, Brazil said, "It's not fair that the Heavenly Drag Racing Association are making a great mechanic like Fred The Wrench play secret agent man when he could be building fast race cars!"-- Once again Gary from Wellington, OH wrote in, "Mr. Fearsome gives me the creeps!"-- Thanks to all of you Phantom Racer fans who wrote in this week... My blog reminding you that Old Bridge Township Raceway Park will be conducting NHRA Chassis Certification on March 18th (you must pre-register by March 13), caused Stanley from Queens, NY to chime in, "Doc is a godsend  for reminding me about getting our car certified!"... My blog promoting the upcoming 35th Annual Spring Englishtown Swap Meet & Auto Show scheduled for April 28-30, brought on lots of appreciative reactions. Peter from Morganville, NJ wrote, "I'll be bringing my family out for the swap meet. My wife makes jewelry, and she always finds things there that she can use to make new pieces."... Our so-called 'SUNDAY FUNNIES THAT AREN'T NECESSARILY THAT FUNNY AT ALL'  managed to get Mildred from Studio City, CA in a bit of a tizzy, she claims "Marvin is the kind of guy that makes my skin crawl. Bullies on the internet are pathetic losers!"... My blog paying respect to the recently departed Mike Connors, who played the role of Mannix on the old TV series of the same name, inspired Andrew from Corpus Christi, TX to write, "Mannix was the best of the detective shows. Mike Connors was my idol as a kid. His Dodge Dart GTS was the hottest mopar muscle car on television at the time."... Thanks to all of you who wrote in with comments. Even though there's no way we have room to print all your emails, we want you to know that all your comments and suggestions are taken into consideration... Keep those emails comin' (by using the "Contact Us" link atop the page), whether you agree or disagree with mine, or any of our substitute guest bloggers' opinions, we're genuinely interested in your feedback... We just ask that you please keep your emails short and to the point, no rambling please, and please also include where you're from, we often find the location of where folks are writing us from to be sort of interesting. If you want to remain anonymous you can do that too (just write that you want to remain anonymous in the body of your email, and we won't disclose your identity in the event we choose to make a reference to your particular opinion)... Thanks...

 

 

It's "FEEDBACK FRIDAY" here at DRAG RACING UNDERGROUND. That means I print excerpts from some of the emails that you readers write in with. I always appreciate you folks who sit down at your keyboard and type me your thoughts and opinions.


Today I'd like to acknowledge February as Black History Month... As most folks who follow drag racing are already aware, out of all the different forms of motorsports, it is drag racing that is the most inclusive and "color-blind" when it comes to both participants and fans. Our sport has a long history of competitive Afro-Americans making a name for themselves in various racing classes and categories. I believe that's something we should all be proud of. Here's just a partial list of racers that I can name off the top of my head--  Malcolm Durham, Antron Brown, Larry Edwards, Tim Wood, "Big Willie" Robinson, Levi Holmes, Rufus "Brooklyn Heavy" Boyd, Larry Nance, Mrs. Nellie Goins, Clarence Bailey, Eric Reel, and Ronald Lyles-- and there's many, many more than that... Here at Drag Racing Underground we collectively celebrate Black History Month and all the Afro-American racers who help make drag racing the most diverse of all motorsports...

 

 

We celebrate Black History Month... Yours truly and Larry Edwards at Old Bridge Township Raceway Park.

 


 

Break the conventional chains which bind you to the belief that the only things in this world that exist are those we're able to touch and see in daylight. Ever heard of quantum physics?-- Many credible physicists and scientists from the world's most prestigious of learning institutions now believe that parallel universes exist all around us-- We are likely surrounded by spectacular space, time, energy, and matter anomalies that boggle the brain, proving that what was once thought to be fantasy and fiction, can now be believed as truth and fathomable fact ... We offer you a slice of hard science, combined with sporadic sprinklings of paranormal phenomena, as we here at Drag Racing Underground, proudly present to you... TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER... Step out of the narrow-minded mist that encircles those who wear their stagnate skepticism like an outdated peach-colored leisure suit, and allow yourself the freedom to follow the adventures of drag racing's infinite and most indestructible spirit... Pull up a chair, toss your inhibitions aside, and ride along with one Sebastian Conrad, strong spirited eternal speed freak extraordinaire.

Last week's episode told of how our favorite metaphysical/afterlife drag racing dream team were back home at their heavenly living compound and racing operations headquarters, after returning from a crucial assignment that teleported them to the distant year 3000, where the Heavenly Drag Racing Association (H.D.R.A.) assigned our do-gooders to prevent the sport of drag racing from being completely wiped out of existence, at the hands of crooked politicians participating in an international legislative conference . When leader Larry Lamb was unsuccessful in persuading the politicians to save drag racing with his brief speech at the podium, Larry was then forced to metaphysically produce a mammoth-sized money bribe, paid to the corrupt Druscula Fusscula, the officiator of the Washington D.C. based conference. It was a bribe that simply had to be paid. This weighed emotionally heavy on our group, because they never paid a bribe before. Paying the bribe caused controversy among our crew, due to what can admittedly be perceived as a morally and ethically questionable strategy...

The superiors at the H.D.R.A  then insisted that our crew create a cover-up scenario, in order to eliminate the notion that Larry Lamb paid a bribe to alleviate the threat of drag racing's massive extinction. The HDRA believed that the fact that Larry paid a bribe, somehow leaked out through a news-cycle driven cyber-eliptical virus pirate-broadcast, distributed among members of the drag racing afterlife's darkside. H.D.R.A. brass believe this dangerous development  could open the floodgates for threats of future aggressive extortion against our crew and the H.D.R.A.... Larry and Sebastian strolled over to the main metaphysical programming console, and created a replacement scenario to erase the bribe incident from all forms of the enemy's intelligence and recorded history. They morphed time and space, to create the deceptive illusion that the bribe was paid by an obscure alien-being, that immediately expired after the extortion sum was turned over, therefore clearing Larry Lamb of the ethically questionable deed.

Larry Lamb then receives another telepathic order from the H.D.R.A. Larry addresses his subordinates, "I've just been assigned to direct this team through a mission of parallel universe enigma espionage.".... "WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?!?" shouts Fred The Wrench. "THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE WE'RE GONNA BE BACK ON THE RACE TRACK ANYTIME SOON!!!"... "I'm afraid not." Larry replies, "And I must tell you, Fred, this new mission requires that YOU pose undercover, as a traveling celestial carpet salesman, to infiltrate the executive offices of the Darkside Drag Racing Association (D.D.R.A.)"... Sebastian interjects "I'll bet the H.D.R.A. wants Fred to get into the D.D.R.A.'s offices, and find out for sure if our bribe cover-up story stuck solid with those darkside dirtbags." ... "Exactly" concurs Larry.... Maria says "I'll find Fred a salesman's suit and ensemble in the wardrobe department."... “So I'm supposed to act like I'm selling carpet to the sleazy kingpins over at the Darkside Drag Racin' Association's executive offices??" says a somewhat reluctant Fred... "Yes." replies Larry, "You'll also need to create casual, unassuming conversations with the gearheaded ghouls at the D.D.R.A., and discreetly probe them for information, confirming whether or not  the bribe incident is now perceived as being void of any involvement of us and our Heavenly Drag Racing Association related operations."...

"Alright, alright." wearily acquiesces Fred "Suit me up."... "You really are a hero, Fred." says Larry, "I'm sure that after this mission is completed, the H.D.R.A. will award you with plaques of appreciation."... "I don't need any more plaques of appreciation, or trophies, or fancy schmancy letters of accommodation." mumbles Fred, "How's 'bout them H.D.R.A. bosses rewarding me with our next assignment actually being AT THE DRAG STRIP-- With me handling mechanic duties?!?"... "I'll tell you what, Fred" replies Larry Lamb, "I promise that the next time you go out on assignment, you're a wrench in overalls, at the drags, doing the thing I know you love to do more than anything else in all the infinite dimensions of space!”... Maria hands Fred the clothes he's to wear to pose as a carpet salesman. Fred goes to get dressed and returns in a few minutes..."Hey, Fred!" squawks Peter The Parrot "You actually look presentable for a change!"... "Awww, shuddup" blurts back Fred... Larry Lamb gives Fred some carpet samples and sales brochures to make his role seem more believable, and leads him over to the teleportation chamber, so he can be teleported to the executive offices of the Darkside Drag Racing Association...

"We'll be monitoring you with our covert telepathic relay system, Fred." says Larry Lamb, "Please try to remain cool and collected, and find out whether or not our metaphysically activated cover-up plot successfully stuck with them darkside creeps."... "But, uh, I don't really know much about carpets, boss." blurts Fred as he stands only seconds away from teleportation... "I know, Fred." replies Larry, "You're just going to have to wing it, we need to know asap how the bribe incident stands with our darkest nemesis organization of the drag racing afterlife."... Larry commences telportation countdown "5-4-3-2-1"... In a flash of magenta light, Fred vanishes from the teleportation chamber and materializes all alone, in an elevator, inside the headquarters of the Darkside Drag Racing Association... The elevator door opens, Fred gets his first glimpse of the lavish interior of the enemy's offices... "Good Lord!!" Fred whispers to himself under his breath, "The womens here are barely decent in what's they be wearing-- and there's weird pulsating music and lights!! How do they get any work done at this place?!? How can they possibly concentrate?!?"...

Fred approaches what appears to be a receptionist desk, "Can I help you?" says a lavishly made-up, gaudy looking lady ghoul, "I've never seen you here before, bud. You look like a salesman."... "Uh, yeah." reacts Fred as he fidgets with his collar, "Uh, I'm a traveling celestial carpet salesman."... "Well, you'll have to speak with Mr. Fearsome, he's the purchasing agent for our organization." says the receptionist, as she smacks her gum, and applies even more make-up to her face, a face that already looks like it has multiple coats gobbed all over it, "Have a seat, I'll tell him that you're here. What's your name, bub?"... "Uh, Fred," replies our nervous mechanic playing the role of carpet salesman... The receptionist calls Mr. Fearsome, informing him about Fred and his carpet selling intentions, and then says to Fred, "Mr. Fearsome will be right out."... Then a door flies opens from a corner office, a large imposing figure of a sinister ghoul steps out and walks towards Fred... Fred can't help but gulp in apprehension as he sees the tall, menacing, freakish purchasing agent now standing in front of him... "I don't recall requesting any carpet salesmen lately!!!" blurts Mr. Fearsome as he eerily looks down at a seated Fred, "Who sent you here?!?!?"...

 

 Yes, my dear friends, this is the mysterious mind-bending-hereafter rebirth, and puzzling parallel universe relocation of the bewildering being, energy, and entity we call THE PHANTOM RACER... Oh dear, it appears that Fred The Wrench's cover as a traveling celestial carpet salesman is already on shaky ground with the Darkside Drag Racing Association's purchasing agent, Mr. Fearsome, as Larry Lamb, Sebastian, Maria, and Peter The Parrot nervously monitor what's transpiring back at home base, via the screens of the covert telepathic relay system. Will Fred be able to infiltrate and gain valuable intelligence at the executive offices of the Darkside Drag Racing Association without being found out as a covert agent from the Heavenly Drag Racing Association???  Will he be able to learn if the metaphysical cover-up of the bribe incident stuck?!? Will Fred be able to remain cool and collected with the ghoulish Mr. Fearsome?!?! WHERE IS THIS ALL GOING?!?!? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?!?!?... What's in store for our drag racing paranormal dream team as they continue to embark on unpredictable drag racing adventures throughout the parallel universes??... Can they all hold it together and successfully champion the powers of good??... Or will they fall victim to evil entities they cannot control???... These are just a few of the mind-twisting questions to be answered in future action-packed episodes of TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER!!... There's more paranormal mystical and maniacal drag race mayhem coming your way!!... You definitely do not want to miss it...

Stay tuned next Wednesday for a new chapter of the serial paranormal drama series we call TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER... Be sure that YOU follow the story of Sebastian Conrad... Bookmark this page and BE HERE every Wednesday!!... You can read prior episodes of TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER by simply clicking on the 'DOC'S BLOG' link that's conveniently located atop this page, and then scrolling to her Wednesday blog installments (because this series is published here each and every Wednesday). All characters appearing in this series are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER story and imagery are copyright 2017 DRAG RACING UNDERGROUND.


Here's a helpful heads-up for our many racer friends in the northeastern region of the nation... Saturday March 18th, Old Bridge Township Raceway Park in Englishtown, New Jersey, will be conducting its 2017 NHRA CHASSIS CERTIFICATION program. If you wish to apply, you must pre-register with the Raceway Park office by March 13th. The chassis certification process will happen rain or shine. There will be absolutely no drag racing the day of the chassis certification. Please spread the word about this event to fellow racers, race car builders/fabricators, etc... More information can be obtained at racewaypark.com

 

 


Before you know it, that "Old Man Winter" character will be departing, and the Spring season will subsequently arrive on our doorsteps... That said, I want to give you a heads-up regarding an event that I certainly enjoy. I'm talking about the 35th Annual SPRING ENGLISHTOWN SWAP MEET & AUTO SHOWS, scheduled for Friday-Sunday, April 28th-30th, 2017, at Old Bridge Township Raceway Park in historic Englishtown, New Jersey. There's 300 acres of pavement, featuring hundreds of cars, hundreds of vendors, and thousands of parts. It's a "family friendly" gathering that has the proverbial "something for everyone". The cars shows are an absolute blast. The vendors have interesting things for sale that will amaze you. And if you're looking for car parts, it's an oasis of hard-to-find automotive items that you simply won't find anywhere else. Below I posted a photo of yours truly at this event from several years ago, and I still make an effort to go every single year. Sometimes I invite my so-called "rock star" celebrity friends to join me, because no matter who you are, this event is a pleasure to attend, there's so much cool stuff to see. It really makes for a great daytime outing. If you'd like more information please visit racewaypark.com

 

 




THE "SUNDAY FUNNIES" THAT AREN'T NECESSARILY THAT FUNNY AT ALL...

Posted by: lovely

Tagged in: Untagged 

Today is the return of the "SUNDAY FUNNIES" feature here on the blog, though admittedly, the way blowhard Marvin conducts himself in life, and especially on the drag racing internet, the situation isn't necessarily that, ahem, funny at all-- As a matter of fact, Marv's type of behavior often has negative consequences for the drag racing scene... Marvin will search for web sites and chat rooms, where he trolls youngins who don't know as much about drag racing as he does, and then he proceeds to start fights and arguments that he's certain he'll win. As a matter of fact, just recently he engaged in a cyber confrontation over the term "chizler", which is an old term to describe a Chrysler engine-- He baited some vulnerable young girl who believed 'chizler' was the title of an old Vincent Price movie. After winning the argument, Marvin did all he could to pick on and bully the girl, then to reward himself, Marvin ran to the fridge to get himself a cheesy hot pocket and a cold Dr. Pepper. You see, although Marvin likes to pretend he likes the ladies, when you get down to it, Marvin doesn't REALLY like women very much at all (he believes that women don't have a place in drag racing, unless of course, they're scantly clad back-up girls, or servers at the beer garden). Marv is one of those snerts on the internet who tries so bloody hard to rile up trouble... When dorks like Marv get behind their computer keyboard, and just type negativity with their fingers, it never results in anything positive for the drag racing community, because we don't need the blowhard brand of debbie-downer dingbat dissent that fools like Marv dispense 24/7 on the internet. I do hope that some will take this lesson to heart, because it's a lesson that needs to be learned by those who constantly pollute the drag racing internet with endless oodles of mindless negativity. Let's get smart in 2017. Let's work together to help make the drag racing internet a place where more people can enjoy it and be enriched and enlightened by it. Let's put an end to the blowhard bullying...





REST IN PEACE MIKE CONNORS OF THE POPULAR MANNIX TV SERIES...

Posted by: lovely

Tagged in: Untagged 

The subject for today's blog was suggested to me by Drag Racing Underground's most outright, downright reluctant associate, John Gill, and I believe it's the right direction for today's installment... Today we're paying our respect to the recently departed Mike Connors who was 91 years of age. As you may or may not be aware, Mike Connors played the long running role of "Joe Mannix" in the popular private detective TV series Mannix. It's also worth mentioning that the show did a lot to promote the 1960's culture of groovy muscled-up cars in America. Mannix drove two different ultra-cool automobiles in the series, that were customized by the late George Barris, including a 1965 Oldsmobile Tornado convertible roadster, and a 1968 Dodge Dart GTS convertible. Below is a publicity photo of Mike Connors as Mannix, along with his sidekick, the late Gail Fisher, who played his trusty secretary Peggy Fair, who is originally from Orange, New Jersey, and is known as being one of the first black women to ever land a steady role on a popular television series. It's been brought to my attention that reruns of the Mannix show are now airing regularly on the ME-TV cable network, check your local listings. If you've never experienced the Mannix TV series, try checking it out, you might find its flavor to be to your liking. Rest In Peace Mike Connors and thanks for your service to the entertainment industry...

 

 

photo courtesy of John Gill

 

 

 

 

 

 


Today is "FEEDBACK FRIDAY", meaning I deal with emails that my assistant Stephanie and I receive from readers regarding our most recent blogs... Let's get right to your feedback... Yesterday's blog featuring Substitute Stephanie's Snapshot of the Day, with a photo of a 1960 Buick Invicta at Raceway Park's DIGS AT E'TOWN event, prompted Issac from Buxton, MN to write, "My dear godfather had a beautiful Buick Invicta convertible that he used to race almost every weekend. Thanks for helping bring back that childhood memory for me."... Wednesday's TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER serial series resulted in lots of you writing in. Ricardo from all the way in Manati, PR said, "I think if Fred The Wrench gets inside the offices of the Darkside Drag Racing Association he will find himself in very serious trouble!"-- Once again Gary from Wellington, OH wrote in, "I hope leader Larry Lamb keeps his promise to Fred that his next assignment will be at the drag strip!"-- Thanks to all of you Phantom Racer fans who wrote in this week... My blog reminding readers that no other motorsport offers more liberty, and freedom of expression for its participants than drag racing, caused Sean from Alta Loma, CA to chime in, "Doc is right. You'll never see a Chrysler LeBaron wagon racing on a circle track!."... My blog showing concern for our readers experiencing dangerous weather in Georgia and Mississippi, brought on lots of appreciative reactions. Roscoe from Eton, GA wrote, "Thanks to Doc for caring about us victims of the severe storms and tornadoes."... Our so-called 'SUNDAY FUNNIES THAT AREN'T NECESSARILY THAT FUNNY AT ALL'  managed to get Annie from Grosse Poite Woods, MI in a bit of a rage, she claims "Morons like Marvin will be the death of drag racing!"... My blog illustrating how the transfer of presidential power is definitely NOT a peaceful process among some of the drag racing community, inspired Linda from Wikeson, WA to write, "This was the presidential election that ruined the relationships with so many of my former drag racing friends on facebook."... Thanks to all of you who wrote in with comments. Even though there's no way we have room to print all your emails, we want you to know that all your comments and suggestions are taken into consideration... Keep those emails comin' (by using the "Contact Us" link atop the page), whether you agree or disagree with mine, or any of our substitute guest bloggers' opinions, we're genuinely interested in your feedback... We just ask that you please keep your emails short and to the point, no rambling please, and please also include where you're from, we often find the location of where folks are writing us from to be sort of interesting. If you want to remain anonymous you can do that too (just write that you want to remain anonymous in the body of your email, and we won't disclose your identity in the event we choose to make a reference to your particular opinion)... Thanks...

 

 

It's "FEEDBACK FRIDAY" here at DRAG RACING UNDERGROUND. That means I print excerpts from some of the emails that you readers write in with. I always appreciate you folks who sit down at your keyboard and type me your thoughts and opinions.


Today we have the trusty Stephanie substituting for The Doc. At this time Doc is occupied with her Big Stick music, and/or fine-art sculpture related responsibilities (as she will be increasingly frequently over the next sveral months) We believe Doc will hopefully be back on the clock for Saturday's blog installment... Of course on Friday (tomorrow), we will be running our regularly scheduled FEEDBACK FRIDAY feature, which I now editorially administrate... Please enjoy Stephanie's Snapshot of the Day... This installment features a photograph that Doc snapped in the pits at Old Bridge Township Raceway Park in scenic Englishtown, New Jersey. This is from the the track's popular DIGS AT E'TOWN nostalgia and traditional drag racing series. Doc says that you can file this shot in the "And now for something completely different" file. It's an early 1960s Buick Invicta. And it sure does qualify as a rare breed of Buick, that you don't see very often at the drag strip these days. She's a real beauty and possesses the grace of an opulent queen...  If nostalgia racing turns you on, be sure to check out Drag Racing Underground's NOSTALGIA RAW and FUNNY CAR REUNION RAW dvds, by simply clicking on the "VIDEO CATALOG" link at the top center of the page. It's no secret that racing aficionados who are genuinely in the know, claim that Drag Racing Underground dvds are the most entertaining, enlightening and hardcore in all the world...

 

 

Substitute Stephanie's snapshot of the day features a rare early 1960s Buick Invicta at Raceway Park.


 

Break the conventional chains which bind you to the belief that the only things in this world that exist are those we're able to touch and see in daylight. Ever heard of quantum physics?-- Many credible physicists and scientists from the world's most prestigious of learning institutions now believe that parallel universes exist all around us-- We are likely surrounded by spectacular space, time, energy, and matter anomalies that boggle the brain, proving that what was once thought to be fantasy and fiction, can now be believed as truth and fathomable fact ... We offer you a slice of hard science, combined with sporadic sprinklings of paranormal phenomena, as we here at Drag Racing Underground, proudly present to you... TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER... Step out of the narrow-minded mist that encircles those who wear their stagnate skepticism like an outdated peach-colored leisure suit, and allow yourself the freedom to follow the adventures of drag racing's infinite and most indestructible spirit... Pull up a chair, toss your inhibitions aside, and ride along with one Sebastian Conrad, strong spirited eternal speed freak extraordinaire.

Last week's episode told of how our favorite metaphysical/afterlife drag racing dream team were back home at their living compound and heavenly racing operations headquarters, after returning from a crucial assignment that teleported them to the distant year 3000. The Heavenly Drag Racing Association (H.D.R.A.) previously assigned our do-gooders to prevent drag racing from being completely wiped out of existence in the year 3000. Corrupt politicians were headstrong on abolishing the sport of drag racing at a 'heavyweights only' international legislative conference . Larry Lamb was unsuccessful in persuading the politicians to save drag racing with his brief speech at the podium. This forced Larry to metaphysically produce a mammoth-sized money bribe, paid to the corrupt Druscula Fusscula, the officiator of the Washington D.C. based conference. Of course this weighed emotionally heavy for our group, because they never paid a bribe before. Paying the bribe caused controversy among our crew, due to what can admittedly be perceived as a morally and ethically questionable strategy...

Larry Lamb receives a telepathic message from the H.D.R.A.'s top brass, and then announces to his trusty, supernatural subordinates, "The superiors at the H.D.R.A are now insisting that we create a cover-up scenario, in order to eliminate the notion that we paid the bribe to alleviate the threat of drag racing's massive extinction."... "Why is it so important that we cover up the fact we paid a bribe?" Sebastian asked... Larry replies "The HDRA believes that the fact that we paid a bribe, has leaked out through a time-traveling news-cycle cyber-eliptical virus pirate-broadcast, distributed among the drag racing afterlife's darkside-- This could open the floodgates for threats of future aggressive extortion against us. Everyone from the darkside will be looking for a big fat bribe. It's imperative that the darkside be tricked into believing that the bribe incident had nothing to do with us or the H.D.R.A.."... “Let me get this straight," Fred The Wrench blurts, "Are we now supposed to postpone our getting back on the drag strip, the job we're REALLY SUPPOSED to be doing, so that's we can make up a phony baloney story, to cover the truth of what really happened?!?"... "Yes, Fred," replies team leader Larry Lamb... "HECK WITH THIS!!!" protests Fred, "I WANTS TO GET BACK TO THE DRAG STRIP!!! I WANTS TO BE TURNIN' WRENCHES, NOT HAVING TO BE SOME KIND OF SECRET AGENT MAN COVERT OPERATIVE, 'CAUSE THAT AIN'TS MY LINE OF WORK!!!!"...

Larry and Sebastian stroll over to the main metaphysical programming console, and create a replacement scenario to erase the bribe incident from all forms of the enemy's intelligence and recorded history. They morphed time and space to create the illusion that the bribe was paid by an obscure alien being, that immediately expired after the extortion sum was paid. The crew experiences a brief sigh of relief-- But just as the crew get a brief taste of tranquility, Larry Lamb receives another urgent telepathic order from the H.D.R.A.... Larry's woolly face takes a solemn stare, and he addresses the crew, "I've just been assigned to direct this team through a mission of parallel universe enigma espionage.".... "WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!" shouts Fred The Wrench. "THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE WE'RE GONNA BE BACK ON THE RACE TRACK ANYTIME SOON!!!"... "I'm afraid not." Larry replies, "And I must tell you, Fred, this new mission requires that YOU pose undercover, as a traveling celestial carpet salesman, and you'll be wearing a radio telepathic transmitting wire, and an organically concealed telepathic earpiece for this espionage operation.".... "WHY ME?!?" shouts an unsettled Fred... "Because the brass at the H.D.R.A believe you're the most convincing looking among us, to play the role as a traveling celestial carpet salesman." replies Larry Lamb... Fred The Wrench stomps his worn and greasy work boots in further irate protest "MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION WAS TO BUILD A PERIOD CORRECT 1964 ALUMINUM HEMI PLYMOUTH STOCKER, NOT TO BE SPENDIN' MY TIME PLAYIN' THE ROLE OF A TRAVELING CELESTIAL CARPET SALESMAN!!! I'M A WRENCH!!!! I'M A MECHANIC!!!! THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS!!! THESE KIND OF ASSIGNMENTS TAKE A TOLL ON ME!!!! I AINT'S COMFORTABLE DOIN' THIS KINDA WORK!!!"

"Why does Fred have to play the role of a carpet salesman?" asks Maria... "Because that's how Fred's going to infiltrate the executive offices of the Darkside Drag Racing Association (D.D.R.A.)." replies Larry... "It's all making sense." interjects Sebastian "I'll bet the H.D.R.A. wants Fred to get into the D.D.R.A.'s offices, and find out for sure if our bribe cover-up story stuck solid with those dastardly darkside dirtbags." ... "Exactly" concurs Larry.... "Hey, that's kind of funny!" squawks Peter The Parrot, "I'll go to the wardrobe department and find a cheap suit for Fred to squeeze into. Maybe I'll see if they have a dopey looking top hat too!!"... "THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' FUNNY ABOUT THIS!!!" Fred blurts... "I agree with Fred, in that there really is nothing funny about this assignment." says Larry with authority, "As a matter of fact, this is actually an extremely serious espionage undertaking."... "I'll tell you what," says a level-headed sounding Maria, "I'll help find Fred a nice conservative though casual salesman's suit and ensemble."... "Aw shucks," squawks Peter "I wanted to make Fred look like he's a stand-in for a Death Of A Salesman off-off Broadway play!"... "Cool it." demands Larry to Peter, "Stop trying to instigate Fred into a tizzy with your wisecrack remarks."...

"So I'm supposed to act like I'm selling carpet to the sleazy kingpins over at the Darkside Drag Racin' Association's executive offices??" says a now slightly more subdued Fred, "Do I need to bring them carpet salesman sample things??"... "Yes." replies Larry, "You'll also need to develop casual and unassuming conversations with the gearhead ghouls at the D.D.R.A., and discreetly probe them for information confirming whether or not  the bribe incident is now void of any involvement of our Heavenly Drag Racing Association related operations."... "Alright, alright." acquiesces Fred, "Suit me up. Give me some carpet samples. Throw in some cheap cigars and a some chewing gum. I'm game."... "You really are a hero, Fred." says Larry, "I'm sure that after this mission is successfully completed, the H.D.R.A. will award you with plaques of appreciation."... "I don't need any more plaques of appreciation, or trophies, or fancy schmancy letters of accommodation." mumbles Fred, "How's 'bout them H.D.R.A. bosses rewarding me with our next assignment actually being at the DRAG STRIP?!?"... "I'll tell you what, Fred, my dear fellow" replies Larry Lamb, "That's my promise to you. I will make sure that the next time you go out on assignment, you're a wrench in overalls, at the drags, doing the thing I know you love to do more than anything else in all the infinite dimensions of space!"

 

 Yes, my dear friends, this is the mysterious mind-bending-hereafter rebirth, and puzzling parallel universe relocation of the bewildering being, energy, and entity we call THE PHANTOM RACER... Well, it appears that at least for now, Fred The Wrench is accepting the fact that he's going out to do work that's not really of an on-track, or 'at-the-drags' nature. Fred has to play the role of a traveling celestial carpet salesman, who is to infiltrate and gain valuable intelligence from the executive offices of the Darkside Drag Racing Association. One can only wonder what the offices of the D.D.R.A. will be like?? And will Fred be a convincing carpet salesman?? Will he be capable of talking with the enemy, trying to discreetly gain information, without bringing any suspicion on himself???  Will he be able to find out if the metaphysical cover-up of the bribe incident stuck?!? WHERE IS THIS ALL GOING?!?!? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?!?!?... What's in store for our drag racing paranormal dream team as they continue to embark on unpredictable drag racing adventures throughout the parallel universes??... Can they all hold it together and successfully champion the powers of good??... Or will they fall victim to evil entities they cannot control???... These are just a few of the mind-twisting questions to be answered in future action-packed episodes of TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER!!... There's more paranormal mystical and maniacal drag race mayhem coming your way!!... You definitely do not want to miss it...

Stay tuned next Wednesday for a new chapter of the serial paranormal drama series we call TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER... Be sure that YOU follow the story of Sebastian Conrad... Bookmark this page and BE HERE every Wednesday!!... You can read prior episodes of TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER by simply clicking on the 'DOC'S BLOG' link that's conveniently located atop this page, and then scrolling to her Wednesday blog installments (because this series is published here each and every Wednesday). All characters appearing in this series are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. TALES OF THE PHANTOM RACER story and imagery are copyright 2017 DRAG RACING UNDERGROUND.